Beberapa hari ini saya merenungkan tentang bekerja. Gak, saya tidak anti bekerja. Saya senang bekerja, apalagi pekerjaan fisik. Bekerja membuat saya berkeringat dan sehat. Saya pernah bekerja di sebuah perusahaan di bidang housekeeping and I really loved it. Namun, karena jam kerja yang terlalu panjang sehingga tubuh saya kelelahan, saya tidak punya waktu untuk membaca. Bagian ini yang saya tidak suka dari bekerja secara fisik. Akhirnya, saya berhenti dari pekerjaan itu dan mendapatkan pekerjaan yang lain. Intinya, saya tidak punya masalah dengan bekerja.
Wednesday, May 11, 2022
Kerja Kerja Kerja
Beberapa hari ini saya merenungkan tentang bekerja. Gak, saya tidak anti bekerja. Saya senang bekerja, apalagi pekerjaan fisik. Bekerja membuat saya berkeringat dan sehat. Saya pernah bekerja di sebuah perusahaan di bidang housekeeping and I really loved it. Namun, karena jam kerja yang terlalu panjang sehingga tubuh saya kelelahan, saya tidak punya waktu untuk membaca. Bagian ini yang saya tidak suka dari bekerja secara fisik. Akhirnya, saya berhenti dari pekerjaan itu dan mendapatkan pekerjaan yang lain. Intinya, saya tidak punya masalah dengan bekerja.
Thursday, March 31, 2022
Bad Things Do Happen
Bad things do happen even though you pray those things not to happen. And it makes a confusion, whether it's own fault or others' or anything else.
I didn't expect it to happen and I feel mad at myself, at my things for not 'good enough', at the situation I was in. The only thing that crosses my mind now is a failure, it wasn't supposed to happen. I am in a tight budget but that bad thing made me spend money for unnecessary need. And I hate him. He thought only on my mistake, he didn't blow the horn, which he was supposed to do. And I am upset with my friend. She should had warned me. There were no warning for me.
And I hate the situation. I hate my thing for it's not new. I hate the people in their own vehicle that strive to be wherever place they want to be, in a short time. Who doesn't?
And I hate myself. I did warn myself not to take that line. But I didn't listen. I acted out like a pro. And I hate that failure, it costed me a lot. I felt like being left by my Father :( This is not right, I know, but I can't help myself from having this feeling. And, I am ashamed to meet my friends, I feel like the news already spread out widely. I feel like I am living in my nightmare. How could this happen?
Will I regain something from the lost?
Tuesday, March 15, 2022
Pagar Itu
Sebetulnya saya sudah merasa hari ini bakal "spesial". Sudah merasa malas beranjak dari tempat tidur sedari pagi, keluar dari kos juga sudah telat. Tetapi saya bosan di kos. Padahal badan seperti lemas gak jelas gitu. Pergi aman, pulang aman.
Sore ini hujan, tetapi tidak seperti biasanya, badai. Hujan badainya sudah berlalu sejam yang lalu. Kini yang tersisa rintik berkelanjutan. Setelah memarkir mobil dengan jarak cukup dekat dari sebelah kiri, supaya motor para indekos yang lain bisa masuk dengan mudah, saya menutup pintu dengan semangat. Demi menghindari hujan.
Sangking semangat, saya tidak menyadari bahwa saya sudah menarik hingga ujung pagar, Saya pikir pagar itu punya stopper. Ternyata, tidak. Pagar itu keluar dari rel dan saya tidak sanggup menahannya. Pagar itu terpelanting ke arah depan. Pagar kecil yang menyertainya ikut terlepas dari engsel. Hati saya sangat kacau. Malu bercampur takut. Malu, karena lagi-lagi saya yang "bikin ulah" di kos ini. Sudah pernah menabrak, menyerempet, dan kali ini menjatuhkan.
Saya lihat kiri, ada ibu berjilbab menatap kaget. Lalu di sebelah kanan ada bapak pekerja proyek sepertinya menatap begitu saja sambil terus bekerja. Hari itu masih hujan. Tas dan bawaan lainnya sudah ada di depan pintu kos, terbebas dari hujan. Saya pikir hari ini akan panjang. Masalahnya, kalau pagar itu terbelah maka akan merepotkan bahkan membahayakan banyak orang.
Saya angkat itu pagar dengan semangat yang ada, paha kiri saya terkilir, sakit sekali rasanya, tetapi saya tetap berusaha mengangkat dan menempatkannya pada relnya. Seorang bapak ojek pengantar makanan, dengan jas hujannya, bertanya, "Neng, mau dibantu?" Dia turun dari motornya. Saya lihat antaran makanannya belum lagi sampai ke pemesan.
"Aduh, paha saya!" saya tidak kuat untuk tidak berucap karena sakit sekali hingga membuat saya menahan napas. Saya membantu si bapak untuk mengepaskan roda pada rel. Saya bermaksud mengambil pintu kecilnya tetapi si bapak melarang. "Biar saya saja Neng!" tetapi tetap saya membantu mengepaskan ke engsel. Pekerjaan "perbaikan" pun selesai. Saya berterima kasih banyak, tidak bisa memberi apa-apa karena berjalan saja sulit.
Saya pun mengunci pintu. Si bapak melanjutkan pengantaran.
Hujan masih turun. Hati saya bersyukur sekali. Tuhan Yesus baik. Roh Kudus baik. Bapa di surga baik.
Thursday, March 10, 2022
It Was Raining Cats and Dogs
The thunder struck. It was raining cats and dogs. It wasn't that way when I drove my car out of my office. Yes, the wind blew so hard and the sky was dark, but I thought I would arrive at my room when the rain fell. It did not. About 5 minutes leaving my office, drops of rain began to blur my vision. I turned on the wipers. The rain was heavier and heavier that I had to wiped the front window. I turned on the AC to clear the mist in my car window, but it didn't work. So, I pulled aside somewhere, in a nearby office park and wiped the window again. I started to move again. I realized I couldn't see anything through the 3 rear windows. But I thought it was okay.
So, I drove carefully, the street was half-crowded, the rain was like being poured out from the sky. I couldn't see anything. I just focused on the lights from other vehicles. I was so tensed. It was my first time driving under the rain. And it was dark. There were times I just opened my windows to have better sight, but not too long because the rain went in. I leaned forward to have a full concentration on the driving and the situation on the street.
I realized there was a big car next to me, planned to slip my car to go ahead of me but failed because my car blocked his way. When I finally made it to take my car to the left side, the turn I wanted to turn left (there are two left-turns), the big car sped up and moved ahead of me. The driver opened his window and gave a stern look at me. Well, I didn't feel bad cos at that time I chose to drive slowly to avoid colliding with other vehicles. The street narrowed, but the traffic wasn't better. The visibility was 1-meter away. When finally I made it to my room, I parked outside, 'cos it was still raining cats and dogs.
It was my first time and a good lesson for me, I thanked God for leading me out of the storm.
Thursday, February 17, 2022
When None Was There
On February 14th, 2022, I made an appointment with Pak Wi, but he couldn't make it since he was isolated due to Covid-19, he was just suspected because he drove in someone who was infected. So, I was alone, none would be on my side to help me out when I got troubled in driving my car to kost. I panicky contacted all who I thought must have someone they could count on when facing the same problem. But none could help me. I have a friend who has a son, I thought I could ask her help, but I didn't do it. All my collegues went home one by one, and the last one was the one whose office in the front desk, where I tried so hard to find help
I couldn't find anyone. It was 5 p.m.
Before going home, my friend said, "Bye, Ms., too bad that you are alone now," with a smirking face. I felt ashamed 'cos in my mind, I felt like everyone mocked at me.
Remembering the effort I took to get the car, it wasn't there instantly. I had to ask Pak Wi to come to Jakarta, to get the car. We went there by bus, then by online taxi. It was almost dark when we arrived at my home. At first, I was about to go with him back Karawaci and parked the car in my office, but then my brother asked Pak Wi to take it by himself. Pak Wi was agreed.
For 2 days, I didn't dare to drive the car. My friend offered herself to accompany me to drive. I agreed and when we got to the parking lot, and my friend saw I had difficulty in moving the car forward. She decided to leave. I just grinned and continued with the driving. I was successfully driving the car going around the building area.
The next day, I drove it with Pak Wi accompanying me. My heart pounded. When we were near the gas station, Pak Wi took control of the steer. We continued with the plan for that day. The next morning was the time when I drove alone, Pak Wi followed my car by riding his bike.
And now, Pak Wi wasn't available, and I had to go home.
I prayed hard but then, there was none. I realized something, it was like an encouragement. It was the Holy Spirit. If God doesn't send me anyone to help, it means He will be there to help me. That thought was so strong, and my feet followed.
I remembered praying all the way to kost. My car engine stopped twice or thrice, but there was a comfort in my heart, I wasn't panicky. I was so fully concentrated to drive that I was so stressful and felt nausea, Thank God I made it. I told everyone about this and they were happy with me.
Yes, when God doesn't send anyone for giving a help, He wants to do it himself.
Thursday, February 10, 2022
Letting Go Off the Fear Day #1
I have no choice, I got to master driving my car. There's a constant struggle in myself, it appears in my dream at nights. But, I have no choice. I have to fight the fear. I have to let it go off, away from my life. I remind myself that it's good that at least, I try. Of course, I pray. I ask God to help me.
This morning, I asked Pak Wi to accompany me to drive to my workplace. It turned out that he rode his motorbike, therefore, he can't be in the car with me, sit beside me. I did make the car out of my tiny garage. I thought I wouldn't make it. But I did. Thank God. So there I was, alone in the car, thinking all by myself.
First obstacle, there was grocery man on his bike, opposite of me. I waved my hand to tell him to go first. He understood, thank God. And on my right a head, there's a small river. My heard pounded, I didn't want to fall into it. So, I turned the steer wheel to the left. Thank God, there was no crowds.
The second obstacle was the steep. It wasn't that bad, actually but I kept making the same mistakes. Thank God, I had Pak Wi on his bike to help me.
The third obstacle, there was a car slipped through my way, made the left turn. I was shocked but since my speed was low, I managed to push the break knob. My friend, who was already in the office, said that thing happened all the time, so we need to be alert at all time.
The last obstacle was parking, and I bumped my car. At least, I made it to drive to office. Now, I feel exhausted.
Driving a car takes great responsibility, you can hurt yourself or others, so stay away from disruptions, And she welcomes me to the club :D
Sunday, January 23, 2022
Minyak Tumpah
Saturday, January 15, 2022
Peranan Roh Kudus dalam Penciptaan dan Pernyataan
Tanpa pertolongan dari Roh-Nya, kita tidak dapat memahami Tuhan. Jika Roh Allah tidak ada dalam diri seseorang, maka ia tidak mugkin dapat memahami Allah. Sama seperti kita tidak bisa memahami suatu bangunan tanpa kita mengenal ahli bangunan itu. Kejadian 1:2, Roh Allah melayang-layang tetapi sesungguhnya Ia memiliki tahta. Ibrani 3:3-4 seorang ahli bangunan lebih dihargai daripada ciptaannya. Seorang ahli bangunan dihormati karena hasil ciptaannya. Keluaran 31:3-4 betapa besar hikmat dan kuasa yang dimiliki Roh Allah. Yesaya 14 menceritakan dengan suatu tahta yang menjadi tempat Yang Mahatinggi yang kita kenal dengan Allah. Yohanes 14:26 Allah itu adalah Roh. Roh Allah yang melayang-layang di atas permukaan air, berarti air ini sudah ada. Air laut taat. Ayub 38:8-11 Roh Allah yang mengatur laut yang congkak ini. Ayub 38:25-27, tanah pun taat atas perintah Allah untuk menumbuhkan tunas-tunas. Hujan pun tetap turun pada masanya. Ayub 37,38,39 itu hanyalah sedikit bagian mengenai kedahsyatan yang dilakukan oleh Allah yang adalah Roh. Mengenal Allah dari atribut Allah. Mazmur 139, 1 Korintus 2:10-11 Allah Mahatahu. Matius 19:26, Zakaria 4:6 Mahakuasa, Yesaya 44:6-8 Allah itu Mahaada. Ayub 27:2-3 tubuh kita hidup tergantung pada ada atau tidaknya Roh Allah. Kejadian 1:24 bumi setia untuk mengeluarkan segala jenis mahkluk hidup, binatang melata dan segala jenis binantang liar. Mazmur 24, 17:24, 76:28, 104 kebesaran Tuhan di dalam segala ciptaan-Nya. Semua yang dikatakan oleh Daud, Ayub, di kitab Kejadian, semua tercipta ketika Allah mengirimkan Roh-Nya. Jadi jelas bahwa Allah terlibat dalam penciptaan. Semua mujizat hanya untuk menceritakan betapa besarnya Allah itu. Dan kita tidak akan sanggup mengerti, mengenal, memiliki pengertian dan pengetahuan akan hukum dan aturan-Nya, dan tidak mampu mengakui Allah. Kita tidak perlu takut akan hal apa pun karena Roh Allah itu. Roh Allah yang mengatur kehidupan agar bisa berkenan bagi Dia.
Thursday, September 9, 2021
Situs Jodoh
Pagi ini saya memimpin devosi guru dan staf di sekolah saya, diinspirasi dari buku Rahmat-Nya Baru Setiap Pagi, karangan Paul David Tripp. Pertama kali baca bahan devosinya, saya merasa heran dengan pertanyaan yang diberikan, "Mungkin, hari ini engkau menginginkan Yesus sebagai situs jodoh yang akan memberimu pasangan. Dia akan menjadi Pribadi yang kau butuhkan, yaitu Raja dan Juruselamat yang berdaulat." Situs jodoh? Oh maksudnya, mempertemukan kita dengan orang-orang yang baik yang bisa memenuhi kebutuhan kita akan kasih, perhatian, dan mungkin kebutuhan fisik seperti uang. Padahal, hanya Tuhan yang bisa memenuhi segala kebutuhan saya dalam relasi dengan sesama. Saya juga pernah menginginkan Yesus sebagai situs jodoh, malah terkadang masih saya lakukan sampai sekarang. Saya ingin memiliki relasi hanya dengan orang-orang yang match dengan saya.
Yesus Kristus bukan situs jodoh, Ia Raja. Perintah-Nya yang terutama di Markus 12:30-31, "Kasihilah Tuhan, Allahmu, dengan segenap hatimu dan dengan segenap jiwamu dan dengan segenap akal budimu dan dengan segenap kekuatanmu.Dan hukum yang kedua ialah: Kasihilah sesamamu manusia seperti dirimu sendiri. Tidak ada hukum lain yang lebih utama dari pada kedua hukum ini". Ia mengatakan hal yang sama di Yohanes 14:15 "Jikalau kamu mengasihi Aku, kamu akan menuruti segala perintah-Ku." Sebelum naik ke surga, Ia juga berpesan di Matius 28:18-20, "Kepada-Ku telah diberikan segala kuasa di sorga dan di bumi.Karena itu pergilah, jadikanlah semua bangsa murid-Ku dan baptislah mereka dalam nama Bapa dan Anak dan Roh Kudus, dan ajarlah mereka melakukan segala sesuatu yang telah Kuperintahkan kepadamu. Dan ketahuilah, Aku menyertai kamu senantiasa sampai kepada akhir zaman."
Overthinking
Ternyata, semakin memiliki pengetahuan dan pengalaman tidak membuat kehidupan menjadi semakin mudah. Ya, ini ada hubungannya dengan overthinking. Dan gue tidak sendiri. All these speed development, all the restrictions due to Covid-19 has changed how we think. Gak cuma membelah masyarakat ke dalam polarisasi pemikiran, tetapi juga membelah jiwa para individu. It happens to me. Gue gak pernah nyangka kalau gue akan mengalami overthinking yang membuat gue berpikir semua yang gue lakukan tidak bermakna. Gue merasa gagal. Setiap kali gue mau bangkit, gue jatuh lagi. I thought it was hormonal imbalance. Tetapi gak, bukan, gue gak tau apa penyebabnya. So I shoot. I shoot everything. I pray and I shoot. I hope it works.
Tuesday, August 10, 2021
I wish
I often notice people misunderstand me
I wish they understand me better
So I speak up
And I brush my teeth before crawling to bed
And rethink what words I let out of my mouth when I spoke up
And I feel regretful
They still don't get the whole picture about me
I wish I didn't so vividly
I wish I could be like everybody else
I wish I chose the normal words
And highlight the best part of me
I will always be that girl
Always fail to cover up
I don't think it'll benefit me in this clean community
Menganggap Sepi
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Beberapa hari ini saya merenungkan tentang bekerja. Gak, saya tidak anti bekerja. Saya senang bekerja, apalagi pekerjaan fisik. Bekerja memb...
